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Friday, 14 March 2008

  • It's been over a year ...

    It's been a year since I have posted a blog! How crazy is that? I have been continually reading those of you who still post blogs on here though. I may not comment on them, but I do like reading them because I get to read what's going on in  the lives of people I don't talk too all that much anymore. And that kind of makes me sad that I don't talk to so many people from back home now-a-days, but then again, I have also changed ... I have grown ... and I can't be stuck in the past and still continue on with life, to who I am to become. I do appreciate the friends, the past, and times I did have though.

    So ... an update:
    Where to start is the big question. So much has happened in a year. The biggest by far is the death of my mom. She passed away on August 21st, 2007.  It was rather sudden ... they said it was a pulmonary embolism (blood clot). They had done X-rays like a month before because she had been having chest pains, but they failed to find anything I guess ... so it formed really fast ... I didn't even know anything was wrong. I had called her earlier that afternoon, and I had been crying and worrying about my own problems  (about financial issues and such) ... and that just kills me ... that the last time I talked to her I was crying and being selfish about my own problems. I did tell her that I loved her ... but still ... just grrr ... And then I was going to a back to school party that night, and I received a couple of phone calls ... several people knew about my mom before I did ... and that PISSES me off. I am not as ticked about it now because I have been trying to move on, but thinking back, the fact that people called and left me messages saying, "I am sorry about your mom ..." but not telling me what exactly happened ... I was left freaking out ... called my dad and he wouldn't tell me, but said he was coming down to pick me up ... I should've figured it out by then, but I guess just didn't want to believe it ... but he didn't want to tell me until he saw me in person ... but truthfully, I much rather would've have just been told the truth on the phone, instead of everything being hidden and secretive and everybody else finding out before me ... SHE WAS MY MOM! I should've found out before any single one of them! And then people who called my mom "Mom" afterwards ... Once again: SHE WAS MY FREAKING MOM! Not your's! You have your own moms ... go love them. Tell them you appreciate them and love them despite the frustrating times you may have with them ...
    So ... I was not expecting to go on this rant, but I guess getting frustration out is for the best.  I have been getting through. It has been almost 7 months since she passed away ... and that is so hard to believe. I still hear her voice, her laughter, see her smile, feel her hugs and kisses ... I want her back. I never realized how much I took her for granted until she passed away. She took such good care of me ... being such a great mom. There are things that only she did for me, that I doubt I will ever get again ... she would slip me money (when my dad wasn't looking) when I was leaving to come back to college so I could have some extra cash; she would have bought me a new shirt, shoes and pants for no reason, but just to see me happy and make me smile; she would hug and kiss me when I was crying and hurt ... no one else can hug me like she could ... ever again ... I want it back ... and I know that's not fair ... I am supposed to be a good little Christian and say "yay ... my mommy isn't in pain anymore and is in heaven with Jesus!" ... but I want to be selfish and say, "screw that ... give me my mom back." This grudge I have been holding against God has slowly but surely been fading away ... but I know it will take more time ... It's just that one of my fears (and I don't have very many), the one that my mom won't be here when I am to get married and have children did come true. My husband will never be able to meet my mom, my children will never get the chance to play with her and experience her hugs and smile and love ... that hurts ... a lot ... But once again, I am slowly but surely coping with it. I know I will cry hardcore on my wedding day because my mommy won't be there to see me walk down the isle ... and I will bawl my eyes out with the first child I have (and probably the others after that) because I won't have my mommy to walk me through how to take care of the little rascals and because they will never get a chance to meet her. 

    Goodness ... maybe I shouldn't have started this blog. lol. Despite what this blog may make it seem like, I am doing better. I have my good weeks and bad weeks. Ever since my mom passed away, I have experienced the wonderful world of anxiety attacks... that would be the bad weeks that I experience those. If things don't get better soon, I may need to go to the doctor and see about a regular medication to reduce the anxiety. But school is school, things with friends are a little stressful ... I do have a wonderful boyfriend who takes care of me and helped me get thorugh everything more than he knows I think. And while he does get frustrating at times (he is a male and says stupid things before he thinks), I absolutely love him.

    So, that's all for now ... and it's super long. haha. But hopefully I can do this more regularly ... even if no one reads it, it is a good source of venting frustration and rejoicing the exciting stuff in life ... stay tuned in for the next wonderful adventures of my life ...

    p.s. please ignore any spelling or grammatical errors. I did not take the time to go back and double-check it ... :)

Friday, 12 January 2007

  • A New Day ... A New Layout ...

    Howdy ya'll!!!

    So as a couple of people have pointed out my last blog sounded sort of depressing, etc. I think it may have even sounded like I am disliking SBU right now. Contrary to the sound of things, I am loving SBU. Though there is much stress accommodated with my new-found college life, I am having a great time. You know how it is when something goes wrong so you have to vent through some form and fashion ... well I guess you understand by now. lol.

    Quick, recent, amazing note!:

    In the past two days I have raked in about $550!!!! That would be (as described in my previous Xanga from yesterday) from the babysitting and working in my dad's office that has kept me so busy over break. One thing's for sure, God does provide .. and just in time too for the new semester! Though I may not be a millionare, or even a thousandare for that matter (is that even a title that someone can have? lol), I have a little more financial comfort to rely on for college.

    Yay God!

    Jesus loves you and I do too!

    ~Deänna~

    p.s. Jody- I just now remembered that I didn't answer your question for when I go back to school, so I figured I would just tell everybody. lol. I am probably going back a week from today, though classes don't start until the following Monday, because I need to get my books and such for class.

    God Bless ya'll!!!

    p.s. tell me what you think of the new layout! :)

    It looks a little depressing, but I thought it was cute! lol

Thursday, 11 January 2007

  • Title: *Insert something inpiring, witty, etc ... *

    (Long time no post ... but I'm sure no one's been too disappointed. lol)

    So here it goes ... my life in the last 4 months:

    1). Got put with a roommate who I love, but who is perfect in all that she does ... aces every test, has the best voice, and is a teacher's pet (nothing wrong with that but she takes up all the attention and I can't brown-nose ... sniff, sniff. lol). oh goodness ... life goes on ... oh and she has a boyfriend and I don't. boo on me ... lol

    2). While looking at my financial form, I see the amount of loans I have already racked up ... very depressing.  God ... where is the financial abundance I am to receive since I am going where I felt led to go and doing what is hopefully your will? just kidding ... lol

    3.) Went on a couple of I guess what you could call dates. The first one was just to be nice and he ends up telling my roommate that he thought that I was "the one" ... sorry, but I definitely am not feeling that one from God. And now, he has a girlfriend from back home. lol. the irony ... and the second one I thought actually might go somewhere. yeah ... no. After the first date I knew that he was not someone God wanted me to be with. Friends? ... yes. More? ... no. And it got especially interesting when he started to get kind of weird on me. Almost stalkerish-like .... ah, the story of my life for those of you who know me. My love life .... or lack there of. tsk, tsk ... lol

    4.) Ended the semester off rather well. I am not a straight A student but ended off with a well rounded GPA of 3.86 ... Go me! I am rather proud ... but then again, I am not taking too difficult of classes intellectually. My classes are mostly talent/involved classes. Something I am not particularly comfortable with, but I suppose if I want to get a degree in Music Ed and go on to the Mission field eventually with my vast knowledge, then I suppose I ought to suck it up. lol.

    5.) Along with my classes I am required to take vocal and instrumental lessons. My saxophone Guru suggested I got a new saxophone ... of course not wanting to please my almighty talented teacher, I got one over Thanksgiving break. It is quite a beauty ... and now it means I don't have an excuse to why I suck so bad. lol. Thus, I am being required to practice more .... I should really get started on that. lol

    6.) Not a whole lot else going on ... I'm home for break right now. So far the entire break has consisted of babysitting and going to KC to work in my dad's office ... not a whole of a "break" happening. lol ... if anybody actually reads this and is dying the know what's going on with my fab life, I am open for questions. lol.

    I miss ya'll ...

    Jesus loves you and I do too!

    God Bless!

    ~Deänna~

     

Saturday, 30 September 2006

Wednesday, 27 September 2006

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Talley_gurl

  • Visit Talley_gurl's Xanga Site
    • Name: Deänna
    • Location: Harrisonville, Missouri, United States
    • Birthday: 4/27/1988
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 3/9/2006

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About Me

  • name's Deänna . . . 19 years old . . . love family and friends . . . miss my mom a lot ... but most of all I love God . . . anything else just ask me . . . : )

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